as a graduate from college i will now....

1. sleep well.

2. eat well. grocery shop and stuff. and use multiple burners on the stove. and heck, maybe i'll even use the oven too.

3. feel a little more optimistic that Eric will break down and allow me to get a dog.

4. figure out where the end stopped and where the begining starts. i feel i'm in the middle of two very great things. for now still staring blankly at 'school' as it pulls out of the driveway and disappears down the road. i'm half delirious with happiness and partly feeling like i just lost a big chunk of my reason for existing. (nobody needs me to get make a project and write a paper about it? but why?)

5. start thinking about what i really care about. and what exactly i don't care about.

6. change my last name to bushaw. i know i keep promising to do this. but i really will. this is getting out of hand. i mean really.

7. make like a salmon and go back home.

8. finish reading the seven books i'm in the middle of right now. One of which I highly recommend: Pain: The Gift That Nobody Wants is a book written by Dr. Paul Brand about his work with leprosy patients. The man is my hero. This book is completely buried deep beneath heaps of readings lists, best sellers, classics, etc. I found it sort of by accident and it's proved to be one of the most compelling books I've ever read.

9. come up with some sort of quick, painless and vague statement to appease and reassure the masses when they ask "so, what do you plan to do now?"

10. be very nice to Eric while he graduates next semester because he was very nice to me while i generally acted like a crazy woman/fussy little baby during finals.

#82

today was a particularly bad day. mostly sad, a little heartbreaking and entirely unbearable. which means it is particularly important that I find the things I'm thankful for:

1. my church (i've been totally blessed by michael hildalgo's unique, fresh + powerful perspective. every sunday i feel like i could just keep on sitting and listening until the sun goes down. i'd just need some light snacks here and there.)

2. reading the beginning of mark 10: 21 'jesus looked at him and loved him' i've read this story so many times and have never seen that beautiful little phrase. (have you?!)

3. an extra long walk from our parking spot to church because of a race that blocked a major road. i love walking. nothing quiets my mind + heart quite like a good walk. impromptu walks are even better. not to mention that the sun was new + bright and the air was perfectly cool.

in contrast, this was a particularly good day.

(our 1 year anniversary trip to the moutains)

bad days arn't bad. they're just unpleasant.
i made it through and now i whole heartedly welcome my pillow.

#81 chill

{my favorite fall pics}

i'm grateful for the chill in the air yesterday. teeth chattering. the collar of my chunky cardigan unfolded to protect my neck from the icy wind. arms crossed and locked against my chest in a desperate attempt to stay warm. grateful that God is moving everyone indoors again for a while to teach us about change + cycle and how very capable we are of adapting and enjoying it; even how refreshed + cleansing change can be.

#80: happy birthday to the mister + the sister.

(^^would you just look at that face! oh it kills me. )


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO...

ERIC (my hubs)
+
CHALICE (my baby sis)

you wanna get her something but you just can't think of the perfect gift? help her get to + be able to stay in Uganda! She's almost to her goal of raising the entire amount. (entire amount means she stays for the whole 6 months. if she dosen't reach that, she's coming home early. that's no good!)


If anyone should go + stay in Uganda to love on babies who need it, it's Chalice. Wish her a happy birthday + then make it happy by giving her exactly what I know she wants more than anything else !

(and yes i'm shamelessly plugging my sister because I believe in her mission, her drive + her capabilities. she will transform lives. i have no doubt.)

if you'd like to be her launching pad, contact her here for more info on how to support her.

on a designer's role:

"like a small voice that gets attention in a crowded train station, we know that the way to get someone's attention is not by shouting but by making deep and lasting connections. we know what it takes to make an idea resonate in a world weary of too much information, too many frusterations and far too many people wasting our time."

Howard Belk

#79 happy when i get to be carefree again

when your a design student you just don't get too much creative freedom.there's a whole lot of problem solving, aligning, balancing + calculated adjustments but not a lot of glue under my fingernails or snippets of paper littering the ground around me.(like in the old days when the dining room table was perpetually piled high with paper and magazines and buckets of art supplies.)

that's why i'm grateful whenever i can be creatively messy + free again.

i helped eric do the above project for an art eduation class he took last semester. he had to make a lesson plan + then produce the art that he would expect from his middle school student. so he lesson planned it and i promptly reverted back to being a 13 year old. btw, one of the perks of marriage is that you become one so if i do a portion of his project it's just like he did it. see, EVERYONE should get married. there's just all sorts of fantastic loop holes like this ;)

i actually threw this project away. i have a problem with getting rid of things. (i swear nothing stays in my house for more than sixth months.) but just had to photograph and share it with you.

happy tuesday evening!

#79 good layouts + gorgeous photographs

 I wish i knew exactly how to channel my enthusiasm whenever I crack open the cover of a particularly promising magazine + find beautiful, gasp-worthy spreads inside. I haven't found an outlet yet. help me. do i rip it out and frame it for a bit? do i call a friend? do i scan it in to my computer and quickly email the ones I know will gush like me? this time, I slowly flipped through the pages --back and forth and then back and then forth in no linear way, just soaking it up. I shared my magical floppy book with both my husband and his brother, neither of which looked like might cry (the way i felt.) but, it felt good and incredibly fitting to simply share.

needless to say, this magazine won't be hitting the recycle bin anytime soon. 

(p.s. if you happen to pass october 2011 issue of vogue at a newstand by you, please take a minute to crack the cover. and if you feel the need to rip pages from something dosen't belong to you, know that i've been in your shoes and you're not crazy. you just like good layouts and gorgeous photographs. and then buy the thing and be at a complete loss for what to do next.)

#78 i like brother dynamic

saturday night with the boyz.  

(eric & bryan bushaw, everybody)

had a lot of sister dynamic growing up.

not a ton of brother dynamic. 

i like watching these brothers together.

#77: thankful that I matter (& that I don't.)

sleepy shots taken during a gas station stop on a car trip from georgia to colorado. 

eric is such a worker and a helper i will always marvel.

It's the end of Monday and I'm happy for a long day of solid work, a 3 block walk in the hazy afternoon sunshine to 'Sunflower Market' to meet my boy, a sample of sliced lunch meat before buying a whole bundle and a simmering evening with sausage, fleetwood mac, and a little bit of phil collins for good measure. I'm thankful for a short and sleepy pillow chat before Eric was gone for the night. Now I'm up letting my mind wander down from it's place high in the clamour of the day. Usually after Eric goes to sleep--when his breath becomes rhythmic and his body is still and low--- I slip out from under the covers and go find something to do.


I am thinking tonight about how much I change my mind about myself. Do you know this feeling? If I'm feeling good, it's because hey,  I am good. I've always felt good and I always will. How could I ever doubt it? I'm going good places, meeting lovely people and becoming the person I always thought I would be. All is well if not completely perfect. And it's funny how all it takes it one awkward moment, one bad conversation or exhaustion during a hot day at work and I'm so unhappy with who I am, where I am and where I'm going. 

Simply put, this is where I return: I was created within my spot in the world.  I am loved by the source of love. I am achingly valuable simply by existing. It is poignant to feel alone and miserable. It is a blessing to feel otherwise. In the bliss and sweat of it all there is sacredness and truth.

But ultimately, and most wonderful of all,  I am not/don't have to be the center of my existance. I needn't go up and down with myself all day long wondering who I am in the midst of it. (I can, but I'd only become dizzy and maybe a little sick.) There is something so much bigger and better that demands my attention.

The answer is not to figure out myself. The answer is to shift my focus (completely. entirely. utterly. and only by grace.)

"Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me" Matthew 25:40

# 76 : a yearly reminder

'Cyclical' | oil on canvas. my final project for Color Theory during sophomore year

I've always mildly hated the dawn of September. It's an awful ending to something glorious and downright dreamy; a stone wall smack in the middle of a beautiful, down hill bicycle ride. It's the big sigh at the end of a long, drawn out laugh that leaves you slightly depleted solely because of the new absence and, realizing that the lighthearted moment is gone, you dutifully get back to washing dishes. The flipping of the calender usually displays a jar of pencils or an obnoxiously yellow school bus or something equally as depressing and unsurprising (the dreaded apple with a ruler propped nearby). Although I will say, in defense of calenders, that my Andy Warholone is currently displaying some technicolor high heels which is immensely satisfying and subtlety thrilling. I'm not one of those people who loves school supplies. ( In fact, I try really hard not to buy them. ever. Just use the ends of old notebooks and pens I find in the car & try my best to pretend like I won't have to do that much class work at all, really.)

However, the 9th month of every year will always hold a huge amount of poignancy for me because I was born on it's very last day. On that same day each year I grow that much older and sink 365 days deeper into this gritty story of life.

So despite tight schedules, routine, empty sheets of paper waiting to be filled, sitting for hours at a time, homework in the late evenings and bitter early mornings, i love September. It's my reminder that time never rewinds, that I am always and unavoidably moving forward and that my adventure is ever so slowly wrapping up and I'd better make the most of it.

rabbits & rain

waiting out/surviving the storm by sewing 116 bunnies for Chalice's bunny project. (see post below or go to www.bunniesforbugembe.com)

The news--the only other activity--- is seemingly on a repeating circuit. Needles, thread, scissors, felt, glue & plenty of dishes full of snacks--mostly sugary & salty, yum!-- are helping us cope with the cabin fever. and the intense disappointment that today was dreamed to be our big beach day in ocean city. beach, sand, towels, boardwalk fries..the whole bit.

not happenin.

for right now, hunkering down in our neighbors home (higher ground!) hoping the flood with bring some raft-worthy tides to our front steps just like her sister Isabel from 2008. (c'mon c'mon c'mon.)

it's a beautiful heart + it's uganda bound.

the little United States can't hold it anymore.

Chalice, her big heart + i-can-do-it-faster-and-better work ethic
are moving where they can be used to their full + wonderful potential.
(early september is the launch date.)

it's gonna be epic, everybody.

girl is doing what she was born to do.

please support her effort.
(( her kind of human dosen't happen along everyday. ))

buy a handmade rabbit
+
help chali spread his love to the littles of Uganda:

maybe not overtly thankful. maybe just notes.

i have a little time before bed and a tiny smidge of energy left so i thought i'd blast out a blog post. here's what happening to this girl sitting in a bitty apartment on Grove Street somewhere between thinking life would be a dream and realizing it might turn out to be a tad more realistic.

*I have 2 more final projects to do. I'm terrified of final projects. I always will be. I thank God that he's only putting me through one more semester so I will no longer have final projects. It's not the "project" part that unnerves me it's the "final" part. Nothing should be labled final until Jesus comes back (or part 2 of movie of harry potter comes out in theatres, i guess)

*I've spent that past two days finishing up a book I designed for a class called "Senior Seminar". I truly spent all friday working on ONE friggin thing. 7:00 a.m. - 12:00 midnight. and yes, 2 hours this morning and another hour tonight. Tomorrow I will bind my book. (which is kinda exciting--red wiro binding w/ screen print design printed by Eric B. I know.)

* Right after I'm finished binding my book, I will start on my project that's due next monday. And then break somewhere in the middle of that to do a project that due Thursday.

*I will love when I am out of school for the summer. I am planning out beautiful, slow-motion, sunshine-glimmering outings in which I will do every summer thing I have denied this far: floating on a noodle in a pool, lying in the grass, eating some icecream sitting on a curb, long walks at night because it's cozily warm, camping (who am i becoming?!), getting even more freckles across my shoulders and nose because me and the sun are just so desperate for each other.

*I've been missing my family alot lately. I've been missing the belonging that comes with having siblings and parents around. It's a wonderful passive belonging. I miss just belonging without having to prove it in some way. It's relaxing to feel that way. I will be happy to feel that again someday.

*I'm talking my diaper family. Not my wonderful Eric. I'm talkig she-chased-me-with-a-skillet-and-i-broke-my-toe-hurdling-into-the-laundry-room-door kind of family. That's the stuff.

* I miss being flustered and so perplexed and then my daddy calming me with wisdom & understanding in a phrase or two. In our front yard. By that old barrell. Admist some gusts of river wind tangled with cigar smoke.

* I got excited about being an intern next semester. Now I'm wondering if life ever becomes fun again. (Or do we just go on getting excited about working?) So now I'm planning some sort of serious & wild water park extravaganza to reintroduce myself to the concept of "fun". girl done lost her good mind.

*the nail on my right pointer finger is coming off. There's a tiny pink nailbed coming up where the black and bloodied nail veteran is taking it's sweet time to jump off the other end. The little bit of new nail is so delicately beautiful and full of potential. It's been so long. And it's taking everything i got not to just tear it off. It's really just kinda sitting there held on by some caked blood and fingernail fibers (technical term, yes.)

*Eric got me a new toothbrush yesterday that's made entirely out of recycled yogurt cups. And you don't throw it away. You put it back into it's packaging and ship it back to the magic land where yogurt cups transform into every day objects. They say it's just earth-friendly or something i guess but i think it's marvelous brushing my teeth with a yogurt cup.

Ima go use it.
sweet night dreams.

cell phone candids #3

unloading my cell phone pics onto you because there is, shockingly, no room left. and what if something amazing happens and i can't take a picture of it? I'm doomed. member what happened with the elk last time?

enjoy my little life snaps that i can't seem to stop taking.

laying in the impressively lush and soft carpet of grass that's growing
like a champ in the park across from our house. sharing 1 freakin tiny pillow cause eric forgot to bring his. (i'll share. he smells ok.)

best take yo chairs inside cause i bout ta steal um.

the gigantic duggar family all stitched up rainbow style at some denver hipster gallery thing. these sort of juxtapositions make me all giddy-town

found this bright and vivid creature in a trashcan the day after valentines. funny how holidays come so slowly and go so quickly (saint patricks: full steam ahead.)

tobi's sink of dirty dishes would be visual poetry, wouldn't it? that girl don't miss a beat.

the only proof that i've ever been to a vegas night club. taken on my way to church the next morning. love my life of strange and wonderful juxtapositions. (i also believe that using the word 'juxtapositions' twice in one blog post is nothing but overkill.)

altogether exciting, alarming and enlightening.
(a discovery after we took some alleys and backroads walking home from dinner last week.)

i really do love my baby bu.

i really do love eric.
he's the most amazing person i know.
i guess that's why or what makes me in love with him, right?
but honestly, as objectively as possible i'm saying this: he's amazing and unlike anyone i know. and i feel so honored and humbled to have him as my closest friend.

he is a gift to me everyday.

so everyday, but particularly today, i'm grateful for eric. he makes me feel light when i'm stressed and helps me see the big picture when i get narrow minded. he reminds me to laugh and to be friendly. i need those reminders. thanks for giving me something so amazing.

study on texture via vegas

[las vegas made me feel a whole lot like charlie bucket this weekend.]

things to do

1. new pens for school starting on monday

2. new attitude for school starting on monday (it's goal is NOT to kill you. [repeat])

3. change my last name. I think I just reached a place of peace about having TWO names that no one can pronounce or spell.

5. write more letters.

6. MORE tea, less coffee. my body will write me thank you notes.

7. read lots of books. fairy tales, novels, books about god, books about goats. just read.



8. more documentaries, less movies.

9. set that doctor's appointment.

10. go take the laundry out the drier & fold those suckas.


over & out.

#75 it's the little things

photo by annie huntington

1. a customer came back to wordshop over the weekend to drop off a bouquet of flowers for me. just to say "thank you for helping me with my wedding invitations". sunflowers and tulips. Overwhelmed by the sweetness of that gesture, I went home and wrote three thank you notes to some dear people in my life.

2. Eric and I bought 5 dozen eggs at Safeway last night after I picked him up from class. 5 dozen eggs. (Eric kept repeating this to me on the drive home. I just smiled blissfully.) I will be the happiest breakfast-eater for a good while. No more skimpy 2 egg-breakfast. I'm going for 3. If the three meals of the day were a social heirarchy, breakfast would be the king. If we're in ancient greece, I might make it a god.

3. Robin, my mama in law, made us a dinner for 2 last night. Salmon with mango salsa, sweet pototatoes and brown rice. Raspberry crepes for dessert. Oh the simple granduer of a colorful, carefully-prepared meal. And one good episode of 'Survivor' to top it off.

4. The weather is getting warmer and there's a bush on the front lawn that has bright white blooms popping out all over it. It's simply exploded over the last three weeks. Is there a better sight to see after my walk home after work? I think not.

5. My Las Vegas trip with Lauren Mae to see Miss Tobi Anderson is only 15 days away. 15 days. That's like two weeks plus one day. I can do that. The only thing I want to see in Las Vegas is Tobi. She's all the sparkle I need. But if we happen to see some city glitz, that's okay with me.

#74 accomplished

So it happened Sunday;
Despite some serious, coffee-impervious morning grogginess,
heavy snowfall during our drive and beyond freezing conditions
atop the mountain, we solidered on, with our 1980's model skis in tow.

I didn't notice until we were hunkered into our ski lift and being slowly pulled toward the summit that my skis had the words "light speed" enscribed on each one, each letter form bowed slightly forward to help with the concept. [clever.] Growing up in a generation of diet foods, I breathed a quick sigh of pure satisfaction knowing "light" to be the cozy cousin of "low". Oh jolly good. Wait. No. Nevermind. Light speed, says my slightly more intelligent self who attended science class and listened, is actually the fastest speed known to man. And indeed, compared with the hundreds of other skis I found sliding around this small, flat-topped snow station, mine were the very skinniest and proportionally the longest.

What does a girl from Maryland know about skis anyway?
Not enough to save her life.

On top of 12,000 feet of solid rock and earth topped with a slick coat of snow (and more mounting) with a couple of lightning fast boards attached to my feet, there's nothing left to do but to go down. And nothing I'd like to avoid more. Oh, and no poles. (My past, bad-ass Maryland-hill skier self says that they get in the way. But maybe, just maybe, they help with balance. )

Well I made it;
One good crack to the skull and a solid flip or two into a tree and down a short snow bank, but I made it, by the end of the day, back down to the valley of the living in Denver and to a un-threatening evening church service. My body still whole. Accomplished.

Despite the terror and frozen face, I don't think I'll stay away from the slopes for too long; something about the sore knee cap the next day that makes me feel invigorated about my "lightning fast" mortality and that, heck, life's either a daring adventure--or a crazy sunday trip to the mountains with skis you found for twenty bucks---or it's nothing.

the no-pole freak.

#73 lady

Look what arrived at my door step today.



I decided to make the jump
from my half-hearted, wear it only on tuesdays, .27 ounce, roll-on perfume to the we-should-probably-exchange-vows, 4 ounce, spray version after

(a.) eric told me it made me smell "powerful."
yes, i got power-hungry.
he also said it made me smell "yummy" but that didn't inspire me as much. I'd rather smell like a president than an oreo.


(b.) a woman came into my shop with a good-smelling perfume and, no lie, turned my day around. I even told her so. she smelled like sunshine and daffodils. it was a beautiful moment. smelling good is a kind, thoughtful thing to do, i found out.


(c.) my stunningly kind-hearted boss, Jill, gifted me a surprise "thank you" gift card. yes, out of the blue. for a girl who relies heavily on encouragement, that was like a blood transfusion to a wounded and dying solider. Or like a big cup of orange juice right after you wake up. or the sunshine finally breaking out from behind that impossibly-massive and cursed-slow-moving cloud.



(d.) i read the short paragraph on the packaging [see below]. I want to be graceful! and evidently,lucky for me, refining your character is only half the battle. you also need to smell like you mean it! right? yes! It's not perfume. It's an attitude.

such a pretty little duo.

yes.


amazing grace
philosophy: how you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain. and so it is with life, which for many of us becomes one big gigantic test followed by one big gigantic lesson. in the end, it all comes down to one word. grace. it's how you accept winning with losing, good luck and bad luck, the darkness and the light.

-via the box for AG.

#72
I'm thankful for eggs & strawberrys and half-moon kiwis; all of which i just gobbled up for breakfast.
heavy sleep. good breakfast. hot coffee. laughing before i'm out of my pajamas. i know your supposed to climb the ladder, be ambitious, dream bigger, set goals, move on up. (get a shiny car at some point with a quiet AC.) but sometimes i can't help feeling that i'm sitting in some beautiful space right now and have no desire for "bigger" or "better" but to just "be."

Writing is
a process in which we discover what lives in us. The deepest satisfaction of writing is precisely that it opens up new spaces within us of which we were not aware before we started to write. To write is to embark on a journey whose final destination we do not know.

-Henri Nouwen

positive pointing #71: we have boots. i repeat, we have boots.

Ski adventure update: As of yesterday afternooon, I now own a new (to me) pair of ski boots to use with my new (to me!) skis. Thank you, Craig's List, for sometimes sparing us the spooky let-downs and providing a shiny new pair of robotic footwear so I can fly down some icy slopes with my bestie. I appreciate that.

positive pointing #70

Eric bought us skis!

(1 day off + thrift store roaming = skis, baby)

Keep in mind, I have not skied for 5+ years.
Keep in mind, Eric has snowboarded since he was 7.

Guess what that means?
New adventure for the Bushaws.

I'm grateful to Eric for believing that we're
always capable of trying new things.

(And that he knows me well enough to get me purple and hot pink skis.)