i can't get no

all things are full of weariness;
a man cannot utter it.
the eye is not satisfied with seeing
the ear is not satisfied with hearing.

ecclesiastes 1:8

It's a sleepy night. Eric's been snoozing* for a solid hour and I'm still

trying to get myself under the covers. I appreciated this verse tonight
when I opened to Ecclesiastes. I know I always try to find uplifting verses
full of promises and sunshine (unicorns, summer vacations that never end...)
but tonight I enjoyed the "I hear ya." sentiment. It's a weary world. Sit tight.

*snoozin' and treats. treats and snoozin'. (just a lil Marcel the Shell shout out.)

the heartbeat of life again

While I've been ignoring this blog (I apologize to my few + faithful readers ) during the past couple months, I've been mailing many many handwritten, real life thank you notes. Thank you for coming, thank you for my graduation gift, thank you for my christmas gift, thank you for hangin in there with me and every other sort of gratitude-infused message.

While I'm thankful for everyone in my life-- people who come to see me, people who get me beautiful things, people who look out for me and encourage me -- I am also completely relieved that the season of getting, giving, seeing, wrapping, shopping is over and that life has resumed a quiet lull. If this lull were a color it would be grey. A beautiful color to sit in after the array of neons that proceeded it. It's back to Eric and me and my slippers in the evening. I can dust or read or switch the lamp and the couch around because that's what I feel like doing.

It's here that I can feel the heartbeat of life again. I can hear myself think and begin to, gingerly, gather all my thoughts together and craft a direction and dream for myself. I use the word dream lightly. For instance, if I dream about making a hair appointment, I am allowed the freedom to do so. Similarly, when I dream about moving back to the East Coast, I also feel the freedom to begin inching in that direction. The fog of academics and holiday frenzy has finally been lifted and I can put my sails up once again in the life-giving, cool breeze of a hushed mid january.

as a graduate from college i will now....

1. sleep well.

2. eat well. grocery shop and stuff. and use multiple burners on the stove. and heck, maybe i'll even use the oven too.

3. feel a little more optimistic that Eric will break down and allow me to get a dog.

4. figure out where the end stopped and where the begining starts. i feel i'm in the middle of two very great things. for now still staring blankly at 'school' as it pulls out of the driveway and disappears down the road. i'm half delirious with happiness and partly feeling like i just lost a big chunk of my reason for existing. (nobody needs me to get make a project and write a paper about it? but why?)

5. start thinking about what i really care about. and what exactly i don't care about.

6. change my last name to bushaw. i know i keep promising to do this. but i really will. this is getting out of hand. i mean really.

7. make like a salmon and go back home.

8. finish reading the seven books i'm in the middle of right now. One of which I highly recommend: Pain: The Gift That Nobody Wants is a book written by Dr. Paul Brand about his work with leprosy patients. The man is my hero. This book is completely buried deep beneath heaps of readings lists, best sellers, classics, etc. I found it sort of by accident and it's proved to be one of the most compelling books I've ever read.

9. come up with some sort of quick, painless and vague statement to appease and reassure the masses when they ask "so, what do you plan to do now?"

10. be very nice to Eric while he graduates next semester because he was very nice to me while i generally acted like a crazy woman/fussy little baby during finals.

#82

today was a particularly bad day. mostly sad, a little heartbreaking and entirely unbearable. which means it is particularly important that I find the things I'm thankful for:

1. my church (i've been totally blessed by michael hildalgo's unique, fresh + powerful perspective. every sunday i feel like i could just keep on sitting and listening until the sun goes down. i'd just need some light snacks here and there.)

2. reading the beginning of mark 10: 21 'jesus looked at him and loved him' i've read this story so many times and have never seen that beautiful little phrase. (have you?!)

3. an extra long walk from our parking spot to church because of a race that blocked a major road. i love walking. nothing quiets my mind + heart quite like a good walk. impromptu walks are even better. not to mention that the sun was new + bright and the air was perfectly cool.

in contrast, this was a particularly good day.

(our 1 year anniversary trip to the moutains)

bad days arn't bad. they're just unpleasant.
i made it through and now i whole heartedly welcome my pillow.

#81 chill

{my favorite fall pics}

i'm grateful for the chill in the air yesterday. teeth chattering. the collar of my chunky cardigan unfolded to protect my neck from the icy wind. arms crossed and locked against my chest in a desperate attempt to stay warm. grateful that God is moving everyone indoors again for a while to teach us about change + cycle and how very capable we are of adapting and enjoying it; even how refreshed + cleansing change can be.