my head is too full to keep it all inside any longer. i was filled with millions of tiny thoughts as i lay in my bed trying to sleep. My legs ached from all the walking i had done on the streets of philly that day, my head pounded with a new born headache, i could not find a proper pillow and my thoughts twirled inside my head as tried to make sense of all that is happening to me lately. my day usually ends that like: making sense of the day's happenings and piecing them into the collage of days prior.
I've never felt so grown up in all my life, i began to realize. It's not the independent-self-sufficient-having-a-real-job-and-my-own-apartment grown up but a feeling that my life's suddenly been given to me to deal with in whatever way i choose. it's been put into my little hands and i've been told to make good use of it. There's plenty of people around for me to ask, like always. I have people who have good things to say about what i should do with it, people to go to for advice when it gets too heavy i can bearly hold it, people to make me remember, in the tough times, that this thing i hold in my two hands is beautiful and full of possiblities. But this life that's been handed to me is suddenly very much mine. My thoughts, actions, choices, principles, beliefs belong to me and i must claim them. I'm slowly feeling the weight of my own life. My decisions matter and i'm the only one who can make them. My will and determination matter. Those dreams i've always had tucked away in my head are mine to chase. It all feels so very different from anything i felt before. My thoughts are so muttled. Decisions are made confidently and than hastily changed the next minute. Choices I make that seem so right one day are completely wrong the next. Tears frequent my unaccustomed eyes. I'm thrilled with the life that is mine for weeks; It is light and i am endlessly strong and able. Then, in a day, i am begging God to take it away completely; i want no part. I simply want a path to follow, step by step. I want no challenges or hardships or waiting. Just give me what i want right now. Don't make me work for it. I'll make a mess of things anyway.
I'll be moving to Philly in twenty days. I'll be paying my own rent and getting myself to and from art school every day. It's me whose making the phone calls, the grocery store visits, the effort to pursue people and form friendships, my bed every morning and who will be keeping my life orderly. The tug of adulthood has begun. It whispers to me and pushes me forward. I'm excited and curious. My feet are so comfortable standing where they are and yet they are restless; ready to step from the intensely known to the wide expanse of new. I suppose that many people's trip to the adult world is as jarring as mine. I expect that it will continue to jerk me about and hope that i'll just tighten my grip and hang on for the ride. I can only hope that i will be brave and adventurous when i need to be and that i'll know when it's time to quit. That i'll know when it's time to invest and when it should be left alone. That i'll give myself room to mess up and to laugh at my mistakes. That i'll be hospitable with my love and save my judgements for only the critical things. That i'll realize that i'm not the only one carrying my life; it's being held hugely by the Creator of everyone's life. He has intertwined them perfectly and made them perfectly for each person to has to hold one. He will never make my life to heavy to hold. All i must do, all that i can do, is trust and rejoice that i was presented with a such a gift as life.
