#77: thankful that I matter (& that I don't.)

sleepy shots taken during a gas station stop on a car trip from georgia to colorado. 

eric is such a worker and a helper i will always marvel.

It's the end of Monday and I'm happy for a long day of solid work, a 3 block walk in the hazy afternoon sunshine to 'Sunflower Market' to meet my boy, a sample of sliced lunch meat before buying a whole bundle and a simmering evening with sausage, fleetwood mac, and a little bit of phil collins for good measure. I'm thankful for a short and sleepy pillow chat before Eric was gone for the night. Now I'm up letting my mind wander down from it's place high in the clamour of the day. Usually after Eric goes to sleep--when his breath becomes rhythmic and his body is still and low--- I slip out from under the covers and go find something to do.


I am thinking tonight about how much I change my mind about myself. Do you know this feeling? If I'm feeling good, it's because hey,  I am good. I've always felt good and I always will. How could I ever doubt it? I'm going good places, meeting lovely people and becoming the person I always thought I would be. All is well if not completely perfect. And it's funny how all it takes it one awkward moment, one bad conversation or exhaustion during a hot day at work and I'm so unhappy with who I am, where I am and where I'm going. 

Simply put, this is where I return: I was created within my spot in the world.  I am loved by the source of love. I am achingly valuable simply by existing. It is poignant to feel alone and miserable. It is a blessing to feel otherwise. In the bliss and sweat of it all there is sacredness and truth.

But ultimately, and most wonderful of all,  I am not/don't have to be the center of my existance. I needn't go up and down with myself all day long wondering who I am in the midst of it. (I can, but I'd only become dizzy and maybe a little sick.) There is something so much bigger and better that demands my attention.

The answer is not to figure out myself. The answer is to shift my focus (completely. entirely. utterly. and only by grace.)

"Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me" Matthew 25:40

# 76 : a yearly reminder

'Cyclical' | oil on canvas. my final project for Color Theory during sophomore year

I've always mildly hated the dawn of September. It's an awful ending to something glorious and downright dreamy; a stone wall smack in the middle of a beautiful, down hill bicycle ride. It's the big sigh at the end of a long, drawn out laugh that leaves you slightly depleted solely because of the new absence and, realizing that the lighthearted moment is gone, you dutifully get back to washing dishes. The flipping of the calender usually displays a jar of pencils or an obnoxiously yellow school bus or something equally as depressing and unsurprising (the dreaded apple with a ruler propped nearby). Although I will say, in defense of calenders, that my Andy Warholone is currently displaying some technicolor high heels which is immensely satisfying and subtlety thrilling. I'm not one of those people who loves school supplies. ( In fact, I try really hard not to buy them. ever. Just use the ends of old notebooks and pens I find in the car & try my best to pretend like I won't have to do that much class work at all, really.)

However, the 9th month of every year will always hold a huge amount of poignancy for me because I was born on it's very last day. On that same day each year I grow that much older and sink 365 days deeper into this gritty story of life.

So despite tight schedules, routine, empty sheets of paper waiting to be filled, sitting for hours at a time, homework in the late evenings and bitter early mornings, i love September. It's my reminder that time never rewinds, that I am always and unavoidably moving forward and that my adventure is ever so slowly wrapping up and I'd better make the most of it.

rabbits & rain

waiting out/surviving the storm by sewing 116 bunnies for Chalice's bunny project. (see post below or go to www.bunniesforbugembe.com)

The news--the only other activity--- is seemingly on a repeating circuit. Needles, thread, scissors, felt, glue & plenty of dishes full of snacks--mostly sugary & salty, yum!-- are helping us cope with the cabin fever. and the intense disappointment that today was dreamed to be our big beach day in ocean city. beach, sand, towels, boardwalk fries..the whole bit.

not happenin.

for right now, hunkering down in our neighbors home (higher ground!) hoping the flood with bring some raft-worthy tides to our front steps just like her sister Isabel from 2008. (c'mon c'mon c'mon.)

it's a beautiful heart + it's uganda bound.

the little United States can't hold it anymore.

Chalice, her big heart + i-can-do-it-faster-and-better work ethic
are moving where they can be used to their full + wonderful potential.
(early september is the launch date.)

it's gonna be epic, everybody.

girl is doing what she was born to do.

please support her effort.
(( her kind of human dosen't happen along everyday. ))

buy a handmade rabbit
+
help chali spread his love to the littles of Uganda:

maybe not overtly thankful. maybe just notes.

i have a little time before bed and a tiny smidge of energy left so i thought i'd blast out a blog post. here's what happening to this girl sitting in a bitty apartment on Grove Street somewhere between thinking life would be a dream and realizing it might turn out to be a tad more realistic.

*I have 2 more final projects to do. I'm terrified of final projects. I always will be. I thank God that he's only putting me through one more semester so I will no longer have final projects. It's not the "project" part that unnerves me it's the "final" part. Nothing should be labled final until Jesus comes back (or part 2 of movie of harry potter comes out in theatres, i guess)

*I've spent that past two days finishing up a book I designed for a class called "Senior Seminar". I truly spent all friday working on ONE friggin thing. 7:00 a.m. - 12:00 midnight. and yes, 2 hours this morning and another hour tonight. Tomorrow I will bind my book. (which is kinda exciting--red wiro binding w/ screen print design printed by Eric B. I know.)

* Right after I'm finished binding my book, I will start on my project that's due next monday. And then break somewhere in the middle of that to do a project that due Thursday.

*I will love when I am out of school for the summer. I am planning out beautiful, slow-motion, sunshine-glimmering outings in which I will do every summer thing I have denied this far: floating on a noodle in a pool, lying in the grass, eating some icecream sitting on a curb, long walks at night because it's cozily warm, camping (who am i becoming?!), getting even more freckles across my shoulders and nose because me and the sun are just so desperate for each other.

*I've been missing my family alot lately. I've been missing the belonging that comes with having siblings and parents around. It's a wonderful passive belonging. I miss just belonging without having to prove it in some way. It's relaxing to feel that way. I will be happy to feel that again someday.

*I'm talking my diaper family. Not my wonderful Eric. I'm talkig she-chased-me-with-a-skillet-and-i-broke-my-toe-hurdling-into-the-laundry-room-door kind of family. That's the stuff.

* I miss being flustered and so perplexed and then my daddy calming me with wisdom & understanding in a phrase or two. In our front yard. By that old barrell. Admist some gusts of river wind tangled with cigar smoke.

* I got excited about being an intern next semester. Now I'm wondering if life ever becomes fun again. (Or do we just go on getting excited about working?) So now I'm planning some sort of serious & wild water park extravaganza to reintroduce myself to the concept of "fun". girl done lost her good mind.

*the nail on my right pointer finger is coming off. There's a tiny pink nailbed coming up where the black and bloodied nail veteran is taking it's sweet time to jump off the other end. The little bit of new nail is so delicately beautiful and full of potential. It's been so long. And it's taking everything i got not to just tear it off. It's really just kinda sitting there held on by some caked blood and fingernail fibers (technical term, yes.)

*Eric got me a new toothbrush yesterday that's made entirely out of recycled yogurt cups. And you don't throw it away. You put it back into it's packaging and ship it back to the magic land where yogurt cups transform into every day objects. They say it's just earth-friendly or something i guess but i think it's marvelous brushing my teeth with a yogurt cup.

Ima go use it.
sweet night dreams.

cell phone candids #3

unloading my cell phone pics onto you because there is, shockingly, no room left. and what if something amazing happens and i can't take a picture of it? I'm doomed. member what happened with the elk last time?

enjoy my little life snaps that i can't seem to stop taking.

laying in the impressively lush and soft carpet of grass that's growing
like a champ in the park across from our house. sharing 1 freakin tiny pillow cause eric forgot to bring his. (i'll share. he smells ok.)

best take yo chairs inside cause i bout ta steal um.

the gigantic duggar family all stitched up rainbow style at some denver hipster gallery thing. these sort of juxtapositions make me all giddy-town

found this bright and vivid creature in a trashcan the day after valentines. funny how holidays come so slowly and go so quickly (saint patricks: full steam ahead.)

tobi's sink of dirty dishes would be visual poetry, wouldn't it? that girl don't miss a beat.

the only proof that i've ever been to a vegas night club. taken on my way to church the next morning. love my life of strange and wonderful juxtapositions. (i also believe that using the word 'juxtapositions' twice in one blog post is nothing but overkill.)

altogether exciting, alarming and enlightening.
(a discovery after we took some alleys and backroads walking home from dinner last week.)

i really do love my baby bu.

i really do love eric.
he's the most amazing person i know.
i guess that's why or what makes me in love with him, right?
but honestly, as objectively as possible i'm saying this: he's amazing and unlike anyone i know. and i feel so honored and humbled to have him as my closest friend.

he is a gift to me everyday.

so everyday, but particularly today, i'm grateful for eric. he makes me feel light when i'm stressed and helps me see the big picture when i get narrow minded. he reminds me to laugh and to be friendly. i need those reminders. thanks for giving me something so amazing.