positive pointing #39:home sweet

I'm thankful for my home
that I share with one of the dearest people I know, lauren mae
(kyrie-mate perfection)
I'm thankful that when i'm home, I truly feel at home
and peaceful
there are snacks in the fridge
and there's laundry to do
and carpets to sit on while i do homework
and within all of that nothingness, there is harmony. finally.

I'm thankful that our house finally feels arranged and right.
and not lacking.
(I feel 'lacking' so intensely in my home)


and that all the parts of me that are inside of me
and in my head.
all the things i love
are suddenly in front of me. visible.
so I can rest and simply be.

I'd like to use my hands again, please.

Sometimes

after I'm done struggling through a page of website coding
and when I'm in the thick of internet tutorials
or when the side of my thumb goes numb from clicking
and when I've been staring at a screen so long that it feels like
I'm running a temperature
and my eyes have a slight burning sensation
and my face feels ever so slightly
like it's sunburnt
from the light of my little laptop

I want desperately to draw again.
anything really.
like I used to.
before the computer occupied the space in front of my head
for more of the day than I'd like.

I want
the pencils. the chalk. the paper.
the smudge of lead on the side of my hand.
and a inexplicable smear across my cheek.

the whole bit of it.
I'd like to use my hands again, please.

Lighter Longings

Sometimes I think I'd like to be a smoker

I like the idea of smoking:
taking a step outside
hanging out with people you don't know that well.
sharing what you have
with people you don't know at all.
concentrating on nothing but breathing
and looking at nothing but whats right in front of you
or beneath you
and just staring
loving something so much that you'll
stand in the freezing cold for however long
it takes to get it

and you have a pocket full of these pauses all day
and could even buy a romantic, hopelessly-swagger lighter
to add some charm.

and then i remember that it's soot
and makes my internal organs frusterated
and i get all discouraged.

maybe i'll just hang out with people i don't know that well
and stand in the freezing cold waiting for something i love,
and share with people i don't know
and ask to be excused from class
so i can go stare at the ground
or just concentrate on my breathing
for awhile

maybe i'll just go ahead and do that anyway
and suck on a lollipop.

positive pointing #38: Sandra Juto

Look at things the way Sandra Juto does.

Simplicity people.
simplicity.
Life is in the subtle.
(i'm thankful for the humble power of white)

positive pointing #37: shut eye

I'm thankful for a time to close my eyes
unplug
unengage
re-center
re-align

to leave the world
and come back,
magically,
a better girl.

good night, dear blog-friends.

Aristotle Thursday

So i'm sitting in my humanities class today.
My eyes, for some reason, are still a little puffy from when I woke up even though it is 3:00 in the afternoon. I'm sitting in my usually seat on the other side of a giant "U" that is formed by the tables and sharing some cranberries with Bandera, the girl that sits next to me. Another day. Another philosophical conversation will ensue. My teacher is jazzed as always. All the usuals are there. And we're all talking. Discussing. This time about Aristotle's "Ethics".

Discussion is our only survival tactic to make it until 4:20. So we discuss the time away.

"So Aristotle decides that the ultimate happiness is found when we fulfill our function as human beings." Professor Banning announces happily. "What is our function as human beings?"

Simple question? Sounds so.
Any answers? none.

Why am I here?
Why do i own a bed?
Why do I set my alarm clock?
Why do I feed myself breakfast?
Why do I set out from my home, into the sprawling,
human-inhabited land around me, to pursue a life for myself?

...no really, why?

Does this not sound like the most elementery of questions?

In my mind, this should have been figured out by the ancient cultures long ago so we could get on to more important things. But, oddly enough, we are still stuck on it.

I am terrified with the conclusion I am drawing in my head as the silent seconds tick on: We are here (so incredibly here. Getting our hearts broken. Stubbing our toes. Mowing our lawns with ripped jeans. Saying things we regret. Loving passionately. Hating vehemently. Being so bored we could cry.) and nobody knows why. Or cares to figure it out. It's a fun discussion topic for students in humanities classes and for fancy people in churches, but outside those doors? on the streets? no. There are more important things to talk about.

Please tell me something that's more important than this.

It's like a bunch of people got together and just started making a house. And somebody stopped and said "Whoa whoa, wait. Why are we making this house?" And everybody just looks at him and shrugs their shoulders and continues to work, kind of bugged about this guy interrupting their conversations. But some guy goes "Good question. I have no idea!" and starts working again.

Can this possibly be the truth?

shots from my life

that I want to show you guys but just don't have a great story surrounding them. just a moment in time where I pulled my little green camera out of it's case, aimed and shot and then slid it back in. have a look into my dailys:

lovers.

Sometimes (always) forget that I live in Denver.

sharpee, white-out and anthro. mag cutout.

funny art-room posters.

This is my uniform.

craft-making remnants.

unpacking mechandise at Starlet

print-making homework at Metropolitan State College of Denver ("metro")

admiring.

my home in it's usually blanket of snow.

pumpkin massacre on the street outside my house.

day before halloween.