positive pointing #39:home sweet

I'm thankful for my home
that I share with one of the dearest people I know, lauren mae
(kyrie-mate perfection)
I'm thankful that when i'm home, I truly feel at home
and peaceful
there are snacks in the fridge
and there's laundry to do
and carpets to sit on while i do homework
and within all of that nothingness, there is harmony. finally.

I'm thankful that our house finally feels arranged and right.
and not lacking.
(I feel 'lacking' so intensely in my home)


and that all the parts of me that are inside of me
and in my head.
all the things i love
are suddenly in front of me. visible.
so I can rest and simply be.

I'd like to use my hands again, please.

Sometimes

after I'm done struggling through a page of website coding
and when I'm in the thick of internet tutorials
or when the side of my thumb goes numb from clicking
and when I've been staring at a screen so long that it feels like
I'm running a temperature
and my eyes have a slight burning sensation
and my face feels ever so slightly
like it's sunburnt
from the light of my little laptop

I want desperately to draw again.
anything really.
like I used to.
before the computer occupied the space in front of my head
for more of the day than I'd like.

I want
the pencils. the chalk. the paper.
the smudge of lead on the side of my hand.
and a inexplicable smear across my cheek.

the whole bit of it.
I'd like to use my hands again, please.

Lighter Longings

Sometimes I think I'd like to be a smoker

I like the idea of smoking:
taking a step outside
hanging out with people you don't know that well.
sharing what you have
with people you don't know at all.
concentrating on nothing but breathing
and looking at nothing but whats right in front of you
or beneath you
and just staring
loving something so much that you'll
stand in the freezing cold for however long
it takes to get it

and you have a pocket full of these pauses all day
and could even buy a romantic, hopelessly-swagger lighter
to add some charm.

and then i remember that it's soot
and makes my internal organs frusterated
and i get all discouraged.

maybe i'll just hang out with people i don't know that well
and stand in the freezing cold waiting for something i love,
and share with people i don't know
and ask to be excused from class
so i can go stare at the ground
or just concentrate on my breathing
for awhile

maybe i'll just go ahead and do that anyway
and suck on a lollipop.